He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
