weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
