Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
