You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
