You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
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