Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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