Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
