My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
