I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
