neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
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