I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I think i got beer on your cat.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
