and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
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