i don't like sucking hair
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
