Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
