Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Randomize
