I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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