that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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