my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
