I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
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