Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
