he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Randomize
