I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
