I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Randomize
