the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
