I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
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