I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
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