I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
