So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
a search helicopter?!
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Randomize
