Apparently every Tri-Delt knows what I did and I am blacklisted from ever dating anyone in that house.
Well ya you lied, told her you cared, took her virginity and then broke up with her at Christies Toy Box.
I honestly thought the dildo was a nice parting gift.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
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