Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
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