hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
