I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
This is classic penis vs brain.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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