my room smells like sperm. sweet.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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