I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
