Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Randomize
