ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
