Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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