May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
