I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
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