I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
