he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
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