Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Randomize
