I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Randomize
