The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
