A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
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