I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Randomize
