The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
