I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
