mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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