My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
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